This week we had a first in our family. My partner’s daughter who is 21 has her own apartment. She lived with us for a few months and last December moved out on her own. She has been so happy setting up her apartment and being independent. When she lived with us, my children enjoyed having her here but between her work and her socializing with her friends they didn’t spend a great deal of time with her. This week for the first time she asked if they would like to have a sleepover with her at her apartment. My kids were thrilled! Off they went with some rented movies and their extra Wii remotes to spend a night with their “big sister”!  The next afternoon when we picked them up we got to hear stories of staying up till 2am and all the fun things they did. Not only did my partner and I get a nice evening to ourselves, 3 of our 4 children spent some great quality time together. A real win-win situation.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has a similar problem in their blended family. When asking permission to do anything or when clarifying instructions, my children always look to me even if my partner has been the one talking to them. If he asks them to do something that they are not sure they want to do, they immediately look at me at see if I am also going to say the same thing. It really bothers my partner that they still seem to instinctively seek me out for approval etc especially since our family has now been together for more than 2 years. I do my best to always support him, and rarely have had to disagree with him. I want my children to feel comfortable asking him things too. Any suggestions?  We have talked to the kids and told them that he is their parent too but they still rarely go to him for anything.

Sorry it’s been awhile since my last post, things have been a bit hectic around here. So, I’m just wondering about balance. I feel as the ‘mom’ in this family that I have to try to meet everyone’s needs without offending or leaving anyone out. Sometimes it gets really hard. My partner’s kids are older and although, we still parent his children it isn’t the daily stuff that his children need like mine do. He has been there and done that years ago with his kids and sometimes I find it hard. He wants my attention, but so do my children. And although he understands that obviously they come first, it can be challenging. Luckily for us, we have every other weekend because my children go to their father’s but sometimes, I know he would like to just go out for a late dinner or a few drinks and we can’t because of my children. I feel torn between the needs and desires of both. It’s really hard sometimes. This blended family stuff is really hard sometimes.

Does anyone else try and have family meetings with any success? We have tried on a number of occasions and honestly they have not been very successful. I am just wondering if other blended families have tried to instigate this and how it is working. In my family, the kids are very different ages. The two older ones are 21 and 24 and the 2 younger ones are 10 and 12. We seem to have a number of conflicts that arise and we have tried to use a family meeting to resolve these. What we find though, is that my two kids (the youngest 2) come to me with complaints and that Wayne’s two go to him, but then never want to share them when we are all together. I am just wondering what others do and if it’s working. Thanks in advance.

I am just wondering if anyone else has the same issue that I do. I seem to be the only person in the house who knows how the load the dishwasher. Everyone else very neatly rinses their dishes and then places them on the counter above the dishwasher. I don’t get this?!?!  I keep asking how hard it is to open the dishwasher and put the dishes in. I mean my family is intelligent and logical but this basic skill has seemed to have escaped them.I find myself night after night calling them back to put in their dishes. You would think they would get tired of me interrupting their after meal activities. But this doesn’t seem to be the case. My stepson who works very late and often eats in the middle of the night never puts his dishes in the dishwasher. His excuse…that he thinks the noise of him opening the dishwasher will wake the younger kids. Ironically, reheating the food, putting ice cubes into a glass or something like that which are all much noisier activities all happen nightly. If anyone has any creative ideas to get my family using the dishwasher, I would love to hear them. Better sign off, I have the kitchen to tidy, and of course, need to load the dishwasher

So one thing I have struggled with is how to parent a young adult when I haven’t had the opportunity to live through the teenage years. My two aren’t teens yet but Wayne’s two are in their 20’s. Both have lived with us and Chad who is 24 still does. I still find it weird to take him to the beer store to get his beer for the weekend!! Because I haven’t had the gradual lead up to this it makes me feel like I am living in the twilight zone!! Another thing, is the hours that he keeps. He is a cook and works late and it is not unusual for him to go to friends well after midnight. This has been a hard adjustment. I worry too much I know and have had to learn to give him his space and to treat him like the adult that he is. This week he is heading away for a couple of days. For his birthday his dad and I gave him a couple nights at a hotel in downtown Toronto. Even though we are driving him, and picking him up, I still find this really unsettling. I feel like I am doing the wrong thing just dropping him off at a hotel!  Thank goodness he humours me and has already agreed to phone and check in with me each day. I’m lucky he is so patient with me…LOL.

So I thought I would tell you a little about my family situation. I have 2 children of my own. Katie is almost 12 and Andrew is almost 10. They are the wonderful products of my second…unsuccessful marriage. For some reason I do not seem to do the ‘marriage’ thing very well. I live with my partner Wayne. We bought a house together about a year after dating. His son, Chad who is 24 has lived with us for the past year and a half. His daughter, Samantha, who is almost 21, lived with us last year for 6 months. My children’s father is in their lives on a regular basis. They visit him every Tuesday evening and spend every other weekend with him.  Chad and Samantha’s mom is not in their lives as much as they would like. She believes on a more hands off approach to parenting. Wayne, like me is a lot more nurturing to both his children.  Needless to say, they seem to gravitate toward us and our home more. So, I am mom to my two, stepmom to his two and a partner to him. Sometimes it is a lot to juggle. Having grown up in a family where my parents were divorced and then remarried, I know what it feels like to have step parents. After my dad remarried, I never felt totally welcome in his home with his new wife, my stepmother.  I promised myself when I got into this relationship that I would never make Samantha and Chad feel the way I did. I have heard my whole life that I am a natural nurturer, and so gaining two more children to love and care about came very naturally. Thank goodness that for the most part all the kids get along and enjoy their relatively new found family. 

Twenty years ago if someone had told me I would be the ‘mom’ to a blended family I never would have believed them. But here I am. Most days I love the chaotic, disorganized and busy life of trying to parent my own two children almost 10 and 12 as well as my partner’s two children who are 21 and 24, and also trying to find time to work on and build a relatively new relationship. Other days…well frankly…it is hell. Before the reality of my situation, I dreamed of nightly family dinners where we all sat down together and shared triumphs and tribulations of our days….what a joke that is. Now if once a month I can get everyone to the table at the same time I feel I am doing well. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a losing battle, and wonder if it is really just me that wants all this family togetherness. But when we are all in the same place at the same time, I do see how important it is to both the younger and older kids and I realize that this is why I try so hard.

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